He says, she says - On DIY and C-listers

Dan Wainwright: Like electricity, I follow path of least resistance

At some point in the not-too-distant future will come the true test of whether I am a fit and proper person to be a father – and I’m rather worried I won’t pass.

I can change a nappy, sing Incey Wincey Spider and do the general “baby” related duties with the best of them.

But soon I will be expected to fix something and my fraud and deception will be exposed.

I haven’t a clue how to mend a broken toy or put up any shelves – duties expected of dads.

It’s not my fault. I belong to a generation of massive leaps in consumer electronics and gadgets, of people who never thought twice about learning how to re-wire plugs, use a spirit level or put down sheets to protect the carpet before painting a wall.

My own dad does all that, of course. He’s a genius in my eyes and did his best to teach me as he went along. I was just too busy texting or playing Snake on my early-noughties Nokia to pay any real attention.

As far as I was concerned, my philosophy was to use anything electrical to make things quicker.

And what does electricity do? It follows the path of least resistance, just like me.

This physics-based philosophy has guided my approach to household chores for years.

I attempted to paint the garden fence recently and thought myself particularly clever to use one of those spray guns to do whole panels in a matter of seconds.

To my eternal horror a lady I’d never met before who owns the house behind that fence pointed out that I’d also pebble-dashed her garden furniture, which resulted in me and my then-heavily-pregnant wife spending a week scrubbing the chairs with toothbrushes to get the paint off.

Have I learned anything from this? Apart from that my wife is the most forgiving person in the world and I am lucky to have her, not a fat lot.

I’m too set in my ways to stop taking short cuts.

No, Mr Miyagi from Karate Kid, Daniel-san will not “paint the fence” and thanks to a special coating I had put on my car you can forget about your “wax on wax off” too.

Liz Joyce: Time to close the book on C-listers’ life stories

You know that bloke who didn’t win X Factor? You do! Whatshisname from Essex who wears the funny hats.

Well, big news, you can now read his autobiography.

Yep, Olly Murs has documented the trials and tribulations of his 20-something years on the planet in a new tell-all hardback.

How did he feel losing to that Geordie lad? Or when his song Busy peaked at number 45 in the charts? Only the pages of this tome will reveal all.

This is not a joke. This book has actually been published in real life.

And it depresses me.

Publishers were all in a flap this week because of Super Thursday, the day all the hotly-tipped Christmas best-sellers are released.

And there, among the genuinely-intriguing and achievement-filled life stories of Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend, was Murs.

He joins the likes of big Claire from Steps, Stacey Solomon and Katie Price in releasing memoirs I am amazed have ever seen the light of day.

Jordan has had four for gawd’s sake, which is an astounding feat for a 34-year-old (Are you sure about that? – Ed) whose life has consisted of little more than boobs, babies and bad boyfriends.

Who, seriously who, is buying these books? I’m yet to meet anyone, or at least anyone willing to own up. I appreciate Murs has seven mildly-interested teen fans but surely that isn’t enough to justify 256 pages to his life and times?

The best-sellers this year are tipped to be Olympic stars Bradley Wiggins, Jessica Ennis and Victoria Pendleton, while figures from the entertainment world include Miranda Hart, David Walliams and Clare Balding.

Anyone in their right mind would surely opt for one of these over a dumbed-down offering from a C-list celeb.

I’m now planning a stakeout in Waterstone’s, ready to pounce on whoever reaches for titles by Kerry Katona, Tulisa or Gok Wan.

I might pick something up while I’m there. I hear Pudsey, the dancing dog from Britain’s Got Talent, has a book out.