University the best time to find a new sport

My last exam of the year is in two days and I’m locked inside my room. Cabin fever is beginning to get the better of me writes student blogger James Ashford.

The bluebottle that I once eyed with suspicion has become my only friend in the solitude of my collapsing shelter. Every now and then I will hear a creak outside my door, and turn snarling, recalling the moment a few days ago when two of my housemates kicked my door open, splintering the wood and breaking the lock. They were looking for dumbbells. The craving for exercise grows exponentially in the inert man.

When looking to do some exercise, there’s no better place than at university. The options are far greater than they will be at any other point in your life. For example, I have recently applied to become a member of the 120 strong ‘University of Sheffield Lunging and Squatting Society’. However, this won’t be the first venture into sporting life that I have undertaken at university.

It all started with a bit of running. Setting off on a run is an incredible feeling, you’re looking good, your music’s on and you’re springing down the road effortlessly.

Approximately thirty seconds into the run, this euphoria is replaced with a much darker mental state, and a thought process something along the lines of ‘why did I think this was ever going to be a good idea? This is quite clearly horrible and knackering and I’m going home.’ Luckily at this point, you’re still quite near to your house, but you can’t turn back in case the neighbours are watching.

Next came our amateur football club. Through a minor administrative error, our team were known throughout our first and only season as ‘Liam McEneaney’, whilst my housemate was named on the squad list as ‘Mr. AFC Football Friends'.

Our errors were not confined to the backroom, and we came a disappointing last place in the league, losing all of our matches. Our season was summed up in a moment we shared with the bloke who took the scores at the end of games. When we told him we had lost 10–0, he refused to believe that we had done ‘so well’ and had to ask the opposing team to confirm. They said it was 15–0.

The gym was next on the agenda. After buying some dumbbells, I soon decided that it was time to make a weightier investment into my personal sculpting programme. I purchased a six month membership, peak, no messing around. It didn’t take long before I was sucked into the world of chalk, weight belts and protein shakes.

Unfortunately, there’s only so long you can spend in this environment before you become just like the people you had once quietly mocked. It got to the stage where I was blowing all my money on protein rich foods, spandex vests and fingerless gloves.

It all came to a head after a few months, when the fitness instructors had to take me to one side, and tell me I was now ‘too big’ for the equipment. I took it hard. What happened next is a blur, but some of my bros at the gym tell me they found me outside, covered in sweat and chalk, trying to dead lift a minibus.

To complement my tireless work in the gym, I decide to join a university rugby team. I went down to training with a couple of my housemates. My handling skills were below average and I was dangerously unaware of the rules, but by this point I had already bought some boots and so the team welcomed me into their firm bosom.

I soon realised that very little flair for rugby was better than the complete lack of it in football, and decide to stick at it. A year later, I have travelled the length and breadth of South Yorkshire with the team, bought a gum shield and, most importantly, got wonderfully drunk with the squad many times.

With rugby season coming to an end, I have recently decided to turn my hand to a slightly less grizzly sport. I’ve convinced a few friends to get involved in squash, and we’ve been playing as regularly as I can force them to come to the courts. They frequently refuse, saying that the hairband I bought to keep the hair out of my eyes was humiliating even for them.

With all these opportunities, it would be foolish not to get involved in a couple of sports at uni. I have decided to apply for a squash scholarship next year and, failing that, will be demanding that the university introduces gym scholarships so we can live up to our gritty northern image.

They might do it. They probably already do.