Reviewer’s rating * Andy Richardson finds one waitress the redeeming feature in a lunchtime of disappointment.

Food reviews aren’t supposed to come in sequels. So, for once, let’s break the mould and go for a two-parter.

Why don’t we do this? I’ll write the first part now, for your weekend reading pleasure and delectation. The management of the featured established will then, almost certainly, write a follow-up, next week. It’ll point out the flaws of my critique and then we’ll all be happy. I hope that sounds like a reasonable plan.

So, let’s make a start. This weekend’s pub is Horns of Boningale, a rural pub that overlooks beautiful countryside on the Telford to Wolverhampton road. It has a website that suggests a delicious and delightful getaway, where imagined log fires burn on cold winter nights and sophisticated couples clink together glasses of wine. It’s amazing the impressions a well-lit photograph can make.

The venue is, unfortunately, not quite so prepossessing. It’s more a traditional boozer, with cheap pine tables, faded wallpaper that needs a lick of paint, down-at-heel furnishings and jaded accoutrements. It’s the sort of place that serves a function, rather than lifts the mood.

The online menu also reads reasonably well, with plenty of pub staples like lamb shanks, grilled haddock, ratatouille and goat’s cheese and red onion tart. It’s puff pastry savouries are described as ‘pillows’, which sound heavenly. Such impressions are, however, misleading. Horns takes the ‘gastro’ out of ‘gastropub’.

My friend and I chatted while we waited for menus to arrive. And then I made an apology. Visiting pubs and restaurants as a mystery guest is all well and good when unpolished gems are found. But, on less memorable afternoons, such as the one on which we visited Horns, there’s a starker realisation: often, us critics are just digging in the dirt.

And so to the food. Uggh. The food. Where to start? The menu missed most of the interesting dishes that had appeared on the venue’s website. Instead, there were omelettes, jacket potatoes, burgers and steaks. We tried to go for dishes that weren’t too obvious, my friend choosing a ratatouille-stuffed marrow with a salad and chips while I went for the sweet pepper and mushroom risotto.

Inside Horns of Boningale

The food was, quite literally, plonked down before us – Bam, went my plate: Thud, went my friend’s – as the careless waitress told us to tuck in. At which point, I had to make a decision. Should I abandon my friend, make a run for the A464, plead insanity and never again return, or, alternatively, tuck into the shockingly ugly agglomeration of mushy grey, vivid red and dirty green that filled the sorrowful bowl in front of me. For your benefit, dear reader, I opted for the latter.

If the risotto had merely been uneasy on the eye, I’d have tucked in happily. After all, one of the best dishes I’ve eaten this year was plaited lamb’s intestines, cooked in stock; that wasn’t exactly good-looking but tasted absolutely divine. The risotto, however, plumbed new depths. The rice was overcooked, with no sign of an al dente grain, to the point of melding into an amorphous starchy mass. The overcooked pepper had a vicious, slightly acid aftertaste while the mushrooms tasted of soil. I dredged my bowl, rather as a tatter dredges a canal, but failed to find any treasure. I ate about an eighth, so as to be polite, but then despaired of the unnecessary calories and downed cutlery.

My friend soldiered on more gamely, making mincemeat – or, rather, minced veg – of her ratatouille-stuffed marrow. Her chips were golden and crisp, the salad little more than flavourless leaves from a bag.

A different waitress returned to ferry our almost-full plates back to the kitchen. She wore an expression of genuine concern and inquired whether anything was wrong. I offered a wan smile, a polite but euphemistic “It was fine”, and away she went.

My stomach yearned for nourishment and so I ventured forth when offered dessert, though my friend, wisely, declined and opted for a coffee. Amusingly, her beverage was served with one of the single, cellophane-wrapped biscuits that are more commonly found beside the Teasmaid in cut-price hotels. It didn’t make it out of the packet.

My citrus mousse was a howler. Though the chef had presented it well, it had a lingering, acidic and chemical aftertaste that fizzed on my tongue like a 1985 sweet. This time, I ploughed on, bravely, eating at least a third, before it was taken away.

So, to the conclusion. And can you guess what it’ll be?

Of all the pubs and restaurants I’ve visited in the past six years, it’s certainly in the bottom five. The food didn’t have any redeeming qualities. It was inexpertly made, bereft of quality, lacking in taste and only just edible. The risotto reminded me more of a walk past a kebab shop pavement at 2am on a Saturday night, than of the filling, silky, sexy dish that I make at home or yearn for in Italy. It was the worst I’ve tasted. The ingredients had been abused, rather than cooked.

The only positive was an empathetic, considerate and skilled young waitress with blonde hair, whose winning smile almost reassured us that things weren’t as bad as our palates suggested.

Right. Enough said. Let’s all look forward to Pt II next Saturday: Revenge of the Disaffected Restaurateur.

ADDRESS
Horns of Boningale, Holyhead Road, Boningale, Albrighton, WV7 3DA
Phone 01902 372347

MENU SAMPLE

Menu Sample

STARTERS:
Golden paprika brie with onion marmalade £4.95; Traditional prawn cocktail £4.95

MAIN COURSES:
Catch of the day £10.25; Lasagne with chips and salad £8.95; Sizzle platter of the day £12.95

DESSERTS:
Sticky toffee pudding £4.25

ATMOSPHERE:
I finally understand the sentiment to The Specials’ hit song ‘Ghost town’

SERVICE:
The only high point. A kind, professional waitress with blonde hair – along with the chips – was its saving grace.

DISABLED FACILITIES:
Good access with no ramps or steps

RIGHT OF REPLY:

Dear Mr Richardson,

For those of you who were reading last week’s review of The Horns of Boningale, I believe there is one of two emotions it may have provoked.

For those of you that have never been to the pub, you would have been completely put off ever visiting. However, if you have visited the Horns, you may have been surprised at the review printed.

Of course I am going to be annoyed about the criticism received, after all my husband and I are current licensees at the pub. We completely accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that experiences at any restaurant will vary. Although I feel there are a few points raised that seemed particularly unfair.

The pub was criticised for its décor and lack of atmosphere, being referred to as ‘serving a function’. The Horns of Boningale is over 300 years old and was originally a drover’s bunkhouse, providing rest for weary farmers on their way to market. The pub has always been respectfully refurbished, taking into account this wonderful history that brings character and charm to the pub.

The critic also pointed out his disappointment as he had imagined it to be the sort of place where ‘log fires burn on cold winter nights.’ Well, quite simply, it is. We have three log fires, which do indeed burn on cold winter nights – unfortunately on the lunchtime in September when we were visited the fires were not deemed necessary.

I am also sorry that the critic did not ask our staff why he had seen dishes on the website that were not on the menu. They would have politely explained that he had in fact been looking at our evening menu online and that this differs from the lunchtime menu – also available on the website.

As for the food, we only employ NVQ trained chefs in our kitchen team, which is headed up by my husband Matt. Matt has been a chef for years and has worked in prestigious London hotels including the Hilton and Selfridges.

Our talented team source 80 per cent of our ingredients from local suppliers and cook our dishes from fresh. Great offence was taken at the suggestion our salad was flavourless leaves from a bag. All of our salad and veg is sourced daily from Wolverhampton market.

We strive to offer a great dining experience and feel the feedback in last week’s Shropshire Star was excessively negative. Constructive feedback is always welcomed and encouraged to help us improve our offering.

However, when such a derogatory critique is printed, it is hard to pull anything from it. It seemed less constructive and more of an unjustified onslaught of offensive similies.

We have received countless letters and calls from customers angry at the poor review we received, letting us know they completely disagreed. Many of them have also mentioned they have written to the Shropshire Star, which I would be keen to see printed as a response which the critic has asked for as a follow up to last week’s review.

Natalie and Matt Jennings, Licensees, Horns of Boningale

_____________

The Shropshire Star has allowed your reporter Mr Richardson to publicly slate The Horns of Boningale for “abuse of food” on Saturday 18th. Your Mr Richardson roundly, and at length, condemned The Horns’ food, service and decor. Having tables made of pine’ (like any number of restaurants and homes?) became an offence.

He complained that their evening menu wasn’t offered at lunchtime. Perhaps a man who admits to enjoying lamb’s intestines might find the more ordinary fare of The Horns disappointing, but our statistically robust evidence demonstrates that Mr Richardson is talking out his own intestines.

We operate tourist accommodation close to the Horns of Boningale. Qualified independent inspectors check us regularly against a well-defined set of standards – and we’re pleased to sustain Visit Britain’s grading of 4 stars, plus their Gold Award.

Unsurprisingly, most of our guests are reasonably sophisticated; gratifyingly our visitor book and repeat business proves their satisfaction. A large number of our guests ask advice on where to eat. Depending upon the guest’s needs, we often recommend The Horns and then always question guests on their experience. Over the last three years, about 700 tourists have declared themselves at least satisfied and often impressed with The Horns. Barely a poor observation has been made. This amounts to robust evidence that The Horns of Boningale delivers effectively to a reasonably discerning market.

When the anonymous assessors from Michelin visit, say, Ludlow’s ‘La Becasse’, they’re trained to work within a carefully designed assessment and each inspector’s marks are peer-reviewed. Mr Richardson’s evidences no such rigor, reading rather as a fairly camp (quite what do you do with a risotto to make it “sexy”, perhaps wear it?) self-serving diatribe which would be entertainingly if it wasn’t in print.

Publishing an article with consequences without checking facts reflects badly upon your editorial management. Published opinion leads to real damage to a business that depends upon reputation. To inflict damage on the basis of a single un-tested opinion is irresponsible. The Star could easily arrange to send a second anonymous inspector before deciding to print a one-star slating – and should.

We hope that there’s recourse in law for The Horns – if so, we’ll be glad to present to any court our robust evidence concerning their competent performance. In the meantime, based on properly defensible evidence, we will continue to recommend The Horns of Boningale.

Yours Truly

The Proprietors of Boningale Manor

_____________

Andy,

I read your review of the Horns with great interest as I too had a similar experience when five of us went for a celebratory meal there in July for my partner’s mother’s eightieth birthday.

Wine was expensive at over £13 for a bottle of Aussie red which is easily available for under a fiver in the supermarket.

Four of us had starters – three of pate, which was quite tasty, and I had fishcake which was small and very bland.

However it was our main courses which were the real disappointment. One of us had steak, which was judged as “OK”, with the rest of us having mixed grills. After a couple of minutes of eating them we all agreed that they were easily the worst mixed grills we had ever had, and I would go as far as to say mine was probably the worst restaurant meal I’d ever had.

The different meats were practically identical visually, all were covered in blackened grease and were virtually tasteless apart from the two sausages which had a nasty, tangy, slightly rancid taste. We all had a go at our meals as we didn’t want to spoil the evening but even I, a model carnivore who prides himself on being able to eat anything that once walked, let the excessive greasiness get the better of me eventually.

As the waitress asked if all was well as she cleared our half-eaten meals we politely explained our concerns and she returned with apologies and the offer of a free dessert. Feeling now slightly nauseous and more familiar with the quality of the food we declined the offer although three of our party did accept coffees as a token gesture.

As we paid our £120 bill at the bar we were asked again if everything was OK and we again explained how poor we thought the meal was. The barman seemed to be sporting a somewhat resigned look as he apologised and told us our comments would be forwarded.

From reading your review it would seem that little was taken onboard.

Regards

Paul Smith