Father Christmas - facing Monopolies Commission investigation

Father Christmas today vowed the defy Government’s plans for his service be opened up to increased competition in 2010.

“It’s madness,” he said. “I’ve spent years building up this business and I’ve got brand loyalty behind me.”

Mr Christmas, who is also known as Santa Claus, said he did not think the public would support the Government’s plan, which was recommended by the Monopolies Commission.

“It’s all about costs,” he said. “They think the Post Office or private couriers could deliver the same service for less.

“But I don’t charge anything,” he added. “Yes, the mince pies and the glasses of sherry left by the children are are welcome, but you could hardly call that payment. They’re a gift, and I thought I’d won that point after they put the Revenue on my case a couple of years ago.”

Mr Claus said he would not be thinking about the impending legislation this evening, and would instead be concentrating on his deliveries, as he has done every December 24 for hundreds of years.

Mr Claus began his working life as a Bishop in the Turkish port of Myra in the fourth century.

In those days he was simply St Nicholas and he developed his reputation as a gift-giver after throwing bags of gold through the window of a man who could not afford the dowries for his three daughters. They were facing life in a brothel because of their family’s poverty.

Although he died on or around December 6, St Nicholas went on to become something of a cult figure, eventually changing his name to Sinterklaas and becoming the patron saint of children.

In England he became known as The Green Man, or Sir Christmas, and his green robes symbolised the approaching spring. He was famous for visiting families to join in their feasting.

His reputation for delivering presents developed over time, and a sponsorship deal with the Coca-Cola Company in the 1930s saw him ditching his green robes and adopting the brand’s famous red colour.

“I’ve no problem in moving with the times,” said Mr Claus, as he fixed nose bags to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf.

“But I’ve been doing this for a very long time. I know where every child lives and I don’t have to bother with modern equipment or satellite navigation. Can you imagine the Post Office getting from the North Pole to every house in the world in one night? I can’t.

“And I tell you this, as soon as they start leaving those ‘We tried to deliver your present but you were out cards’, there’ll be hell to pay…”