We all remember the one that got away: the seemingly perfect first crush, who never knew how we felt because we lacked the courage to tell them.

Unattainability only made this heavenly creature more desirable.

Of course, if the object of this unbridled affection ever met you, they would be certain to fall head over heels in love on the spot.

I Love You, Beth Cooper is a filthy-minded romantic comedy about a high school nerd who decides to wear his heart on his sleeve and declare his feelings for a girl who doesn’t know he exists.

His secret disclosed, the student embarks on a madcap, unforgettable night full of outrageous misfortunes that seems to be the rites of passage of so many lovesick, movie teenagers.

Adapting his novel of the same name, screenwriter Larry Doyle tries to persuade us that the geeks will inherit the earth, albeit battered and bruised after altercations with rose bushes, coke fiend boyfriends and a beat-up Cabriolet.

However, we don’t believe a word of it, including the depressingly familiar subplot of the gawky hero’s best friend proclaiming his heterosexuality despite evidence to the contrary.

Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust) is the valedictorian of Buffalo Grove High School with incredible grades and a place at Stanford University.

He never takes risks, which inspires best friend Rich (Jack T Carpenter) to encourage Denis to declare his love for head cheerleader Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere) during graduation.

‘If you don’t give this big speech, you’ll regret it,’ smirks Rich.

Sure enough, Denis humiliates himself in front of the entire school and guarantees himself a pummelling at the hands of Beth’s military-bound boyfriend Kevin (Shawn Roberts).

Beth’s reaction comes as a surprise: ‘You embarrassed me, but it was so sweet…

I’ll let you live.’ Denis seizes the moment to ask Beth to his house for a party and unexpectedly, she turns up with gal pals Cammy (Lauren London) and Treece (Lauren Storm) in tow.

Over the course of an eventful night, the hormone-driven teenagers discover they have much more in common than they first thought.

I Love You, Beth Cooper is a peculiar amalgamation of sweet romance, gross-out humour and pure filth that charms, disturbs and bores in equal measure.

The rapid changes in tone are unsettling: the film can’t make up its mind what it wants to be.

Rust and Panettiere are unbelievable as chalk and cheese lovers and Carpenter grates but Storm scene steals as the dippy blonde, who won’t accept a glass of red because ‘wine reminds me of Jesus’.

The cast look about 10 years to old to be in high school and there are myriad continuity errors, like Beth crashing her car and sustaining no damage to the bodywork.

As the sun rises, Beth stares into Denis’ eyes and asks, ‘Do you still love me?’ We’d have to say no.

• Release Date: Friday 21 August 2009
• Certificate: 15
• Runtime: 101mins

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