What is this crazy, mixed-up world coming to when a group of promiscuous, bong-smoking college kids can’t spend a weekend at a waterside retreat with a grisly past, without running into a machete-wielding psychopath? When the retreat happens to be Camp Crystal Lake, the psychopath is Jason Voorhees and the new camp owners are money-grabbing filmmakers who have already revamped The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror and The Hitcher, the odds don’t look good.

The new Friday The 13th nods and winks to Sean S Cunningham’s seminal 1980 bloodbath and adds a few twists of its own including a labyrinth of abandoned mine tunnels to allow the hulking bogeyman to avoid police detection for over 25 years.

Most of the film unfolds in the dark so that Jason can creep up behind his victims unseen, but if his two-dimensional prey will stray into the pitch black alone, they are simply asking for trouble.

Six weeks after his sister Whitney (Amanda Righetti) and her pals vanish without trace during a camping expedition, Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki) roars into town on his motorcycle armed with flyers to locate the missing girl.

A local cop tries to warn Clay off – ‘You might want to try looking some other place’ – while a mad, old dear who lives in the woods just comes out with it: ‘She’s not missing, she’s dead…

We just want to be left alone and so does he.’ Ignoring these sage words, Clay heads for the site of Jason’s bloodthirsty rampage and unexpectedly hooks up Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), who has come to town to party with her obnoxious friends Trent (Travis Van Winkle), Chewie (Aaron Yoo), Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), Nolan (Ryan Hansen) and Chelsea (Willa Ford).

The air is soon filled with the screams of eviscerated, body beautiful cast members as Jason (Derek Mears) swaps a burlap sack disguise for a hockey mask to slay again…

and again…

and again.

Friday The 13th is devoid of scares as director Marcus Nispel blatantly telegraphs every death sequence.

If a potential victim stands in front of a window and pauses for no good reason, chances are Jason will reach through and grab them.

Similarly, distracting shots of spikes on the back of a truck are a glistening portent of doom for another hapless soul.

Padalecki’s square-jawed hero and Panabaker’s feisty sidekick run breathlessly from one bruising, bone-crunching encounter with their nemesis to the next, while supporting players get on the wrong end of an axe, a screwdriver and coat hooks.

Male characters are largely misogynist jerks while their female companions divide neatly into sensible girls and brazen hussies who are incapable of keeping their breasts covered.

The latter die first.

A good sports bra in these horrific circumstances can extend your life expectancy by at least an hour.

• Release Date: Friday 13 February 2009
• Certificate: 18
• Runtime: 97mins

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