Learning to fall in love again
Tuesday 27th January 2009, 8:00PM GMT.
It’s a Sleeping Beauty-style fairytale with a happy ending . . . Kirsty Smallman meets an inspirational Telford couple who are learning to fall in love all over again
Two years ago Andrew and Emma Ray were celebrating the birth of their second child and looking forward to their new family life together.
- See also: Kiss kept family’s hope alive
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But just 10 days later all of their dreams were shattered when Emma, aged just 32, collapsed in the passenger seat of the car after a shopping trip to Shrewsbury.
The talented IT consultant, who had travelled all over the world with her husband, failed to regain consciousness but life saving efforts eventually saw her heart beat again.
The devoted mother from Wrockwardine Wood, Telford, was left in a coma, with her devastated family not knowing if she would ever wake up. The couple’s two-year-old daughter Ella wondered why mummy had not returned home with her new baby brother, Alexander.
Tape recordings of the couple’s new baby crying, and the pleas from Ella of “mummy wake up”, failed to make a difference.
Doctors were left in tears as Emma’s fate looked bleak, while her husband who vowed to stand by her “in sickness and in health” seven years earlier faced life as a single father.
But 12 days after Emma said her last words to Andrew before she went into cardiac arrest, a miracle happened in Emma’s bay of the intensive care ward of the Royal Shrewsbury Hospital.
Andrew leant over the beautiful face of his beloved wife and begged her to give him a kiss if she could hear him.
Her 37-year-old husband watched as she slowly moved her lips for the first time and went to kiss him. This was the start of a very long, emotional road which saw Emma slip in and out of consciousness and left with brain damage.
She will never be able to travel the world like she once did or share the job of an IT consultant which she and Andrew both loved. But her courage and determination to survive, along with the love, attention and belief from Andrew, does mean she can still be a mummy and wife.
Admitting he is now in love with a different woman to the one he married, Andrew says: “Emma had been in a coma for 12 days and I was there every day. I remember one female consultant in tears and I thought that wasn’t a good sign.
“The most awful thing was seeing Emma in a coma with her beautiful eyes wide open but there was no response – nothing at all. When she heard my voice and she moved her lips to kiss me I was over the moon.”
Andrew says the miraculous move came after endless attempts to stimulate Emma’s brain into working again.
“I’d tried to push all the right buttons and say all the right things but we just hadn’t had anything. Usually you can wake someone up but there was nothing. I’d recorded our everyday goings on at home and because the children weren’t allowed in intensive care I recorded Ella shouting ‘wake up mummy’.
“It was the week before Ella’s second birthday – that was so hard, I was devastated Emma couldn’t share such a special day with us. I tried to pretend things hadn’t changed for the sake of the children but it was so different.”
As Emma made slow progress day by day, the family prepared for their new life ahead of them.
Emma can now remember special days in her life, including her wedding day and children’s births, if prompted by others but day to day memories are a struggle.
Andrew says the reality of his wife’s short term memory loss came when her father died in 2007. Each day, unable to remember her sad loss, Andrew was forced to break the news to her again and again.
“Everyday Emma would forget that her father had passed away. She had to go through the pain of learning that her dad had died every day which was so distressing.”
Often he has to tell her where she’s been just a few hours ago but he said the love and appreciation from his wife and the family life they can enjoy makes it all worth while.
“Emma can talk but not many people understand her. Her memory means even this morning she will think she has just arrived back from hospital. She loves the children to bits and they are very patient with her but like any children they still jump all over mummy.”
Andrew’s exhausting daily routine starts by getting their two children up and dressed – Ella ready for school and Alexander ready for a day with the childminder, before he starts the careful task of getting Emma up which can take up to two hours.
A second carer then visits their home for the day to look after Emma, while Andrew holds down a full-time job as an IT consultant at Capgemini.
The end of an eight-hour working day sees him pick Ella up from school and returning home to his beloved family. The children have their tea, are bathed and put to bed, before he and his wife enjoy their tea together.
Andrew then starts the task of putting Emma to bed – getting her from the lounge and back to bed again takes up to two hours.
When people tell him what an amazing man he is, Andrew modestly says: “You do get a bit worn out but I’ve got no choice – there’s no option. When we said in sickness and in health we meant it.
“You have to try and learn to fall in love again.”
Proud moments are still enjoyed by the couple, like four-year-old Ella’s first day at school where Emma in her wheelchair was joined by Andrew and Alexander to watch their daughter walk through the school gates.
“It’s nice when there’s times when suddenly something clicks in Emma’s brain and she realises what’s going on and she’s so, so grateful.
“Emma wanted to come home when we working abroad to settle down – her biological clock was ticking.
“She was made for being a mum – that was her vocation in life and that is so sad for her now.”
Andrew hopes his story will be an inspiration to other people who have had to face becoming a carer at such a young age and wants other men of his age to get in touch to share their experience.
“It’s really hard when I take the children to the park and I see all of the other mummys there.
“There must be other dads in my situation,” he said.
* Anyone who would like to meet Andrew can email him at Andrew_c_ray@hotmail.com
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