Oh joy . . . ‘Enforced Affection Day’ comes rolling round again, writes blogger Emma Suddaby.

I know I’m starting to sound like a right old misery, but it seems like we live from one gift-buying occasion to another.

Luckily, I’m single, so they can’t guilt me into this one, however hard they try!

There are many happy Shropshire couples out there, doing and saying all the right things to each other. Along comes Valentine’s Day, and suddenly a minefield of intimate etiquette opens up.

Will he get it right? Will she feel truly loved and appreciated by the end of today? Of course not!

Here’s my gift-translation guide. Use it wisely boys, and you can make her happy, rather than snappy, before the day is out.

WHAT HE BUYS, AND WHAT SHE REALLY THINKS

• Garage flowers: Can’t have a go, because he bothered to get something, but she’ll simmer with disappointment all night.
• Box of chocolates: Just proves he doesn’t listen. He knows I’m on a diet, and they’re the same ones he bought me last year!
• Naughty underwear: Nice idea, but two sizes too small and made of leatherette . . . I wonder who he was thinking of when he bought those?

I can sense the blood draining from men’s faces all over the county. Don’t panic – these classic top-three Valentine gifts can still rock her world.

Now listen carefully, I’ll say this only once . . .

Flowers are a good basic idea – we do love flowers. But a sad, wilting excuse for a bunch, with droopy, anaemic blooms held up by the garish, plastic garage wrapping and the price-tag half-picked off as you hurriedly stuffed them in the car on the way home, will not cut it. Go to a florist and get them to put a bouquet together for you. Spend at least £10. It’ll be worth it. Trust me.

Again the box of chocolates is a classic, but one that must be handled with care. It must be expensive, indulgent, the more sinful the better. She may not break a diet for everyday chocolate, but no girl in the world can resist the hand-picked, hand-made variety.

You can use the moment to remind her she’s too gorgeous to be on a diet! And they must be hand-made, and hand-picked and wrapped (don’t worry, ask the shop!). Winner.

Underwear can be a thorny issue, and my advice is this: instead of buying her the smallest, shiniest, frilliest, silliest bra and dental-floss knickers you can find – which she’ll hate – get her a gift-voucher from the shop.

Follow my advice on flowers, and slip the voucher in among them. You get to spend a day of sexy togetherness, at the underwear shop, choosing her gift. She gets beautiful flowers with a sexy surprise, and ends up with new lingerie that actually fits, without having to tell him her real size. He ends up covered in glory!

So there you are. There’s still time to get out and about today and deliver the goods. But remember: while gifts are great, we girls just want to feel appreciated and loved.

We want a hand with the kids and a cup of tea when we’re busy, and the bins taking out without asking. But enough of impossible dreams . . . off you go and get spending!