Imagine if there was an hour-long programme dedicated solely to your womb. Does it have a baby inside it? Why not? When will it have a baby in it? I bet it’s every woman’s dream . . .
After a nightmare week for the royal couple in which the paparazzi have been focusing mostly on Kate’s other bumps, Channel 5 gave her a break from the topless photos controversy to speculate on when she’ll get pregnant instead.
Frankly, I’m not sure what’s worse for the Duchess of Cambridge. At least her and Wills probably haven’t seen this . . .
Wills and Kate: Baby Fever sounds more like a disease than a television programme and it certainly seems to be contagious.
The stupidity was certainly spreading amongst the talking heads – employed to discuss all aspects of a potential royal baby – who were falling over themselves to see who could come out with the most rubbish.
“The question on everyone’s lips is when they will have a baby...” begins the narrator, proving that she hasn’t yet met me.
“Kate’s number one function is to produce an heir – and a spare,” adds a royal correspondent, setting the tone within the first two minutes for what would fill a lengthy 58 more.
And all of these soundbites from royal journalists, aides and various others only ramp up the pressure on Kate to provide a new heir to the throne.
They even discuss where he or she might go to school – before any baby has even been conceived (that we know of.)
And the questions that nobody else is asking just keep on coming.
What strange cravings will Kate have?
Will the baby be born in a hospital or at home?
Will they employ a nanny?
All the big issues are put under the spotlight, all based around the fact every newly-wed monarch has had a child within a year-and-a-half of the big day.
Oh, and the fact that William let slip that he wants two children during the royal tour in Singapore last week, of course.
Things get even worse when we’re taken into a baby shop to wonder what clothes, bottles and toys the royal couple will pick out for their child – once it’s been conceived and born, of course.
“It’ll be really interesting to see whether or not they will use a baby carrier” says the reporter, somehow managing to keep a straight face.
“The only time a royal is private is when they’re in the womb” says another, before my own personal favourite statement:
“One of the things that first attracted William to Kate was that she came from a stable family” comes the quote. Hmm. . .
The soundbites just go on and on, each more ridiculous than the last.
And, strangely, it takes Channel 5’s own royal correspondent Simon Vigar to bring a touch of perspective to the whole charade.
“Prince William is his own man and he was going to control when he got married and as much as he can, will control when they have children. He is not going to be rushed by anybody else” he says.
“He has a stubborn streak and he is certainly not going to do anything because of external pressure from the media.”
Well said, Simon. Pity you only said it to the cameras, and not your colleagues in the commissioning department.