Blog: “Hello, my name is Andy and I’ll be your internet host for the day. Welcome to Shropshirestar.com. And may I just say how lovely you’re looking…”

News that staff at a chain of pizza restaurants are being taught the “art of flirtation” suggests that, one day in the not-too-distant future, you could well find yourself receiving such a greeting when you log on to this very website. Presumably I will become some form of animated desktop icon, ready to guide you through the day’s content with a cheery grin and a knowing, possibly flirtatious, wink.

This, somewhat horrifying, image of the future leapt into my mind after I read that waiters and waitresses working for the pizza chain are being taught by a former actor to “engage with customers in a way that is playful and enjoyable, but where the customer experience comes first”.

And here’s the kicker. According to our former actor, “flirting is a fantastic thing to do, but it’s something the British are very embarrassed about.”

Now, unless I’m wildly mistaken here, you flirt with somebody because you are attracted to them. If they flirt back, in the back of your mind, you’re thinking ‘I’m in here’.

What in the name of God is the point in having a waitress or waiter flirt at you? (And I do mean ‘at’ rather than ‘with’.) It’s not going to lead to anything. They’re being paid to do it. They are not flirting with you because they like you, they’re flirting with you because they want your money. Remember that.

You might as well install a couple of lapdancers at table eight and have done with it. Or set up a Thai marriage bureau in the cloakroom. They’re not doing it because they like you, either.

And anyway, if I’m going out for a meal I don’t want a complete stranger flirting with me. I want good, friendly, efficient service, but I don’t want someone being insincere or fawning.

But we seem to be going down this road. Go into some local supermarkets and there’s some poor old soul in a blazer acting as ‘your greeter’. The fact that most people don’t want to be greeted, that they just want to get in, get the shopping and then get the hell out doesn’t appear to have occurred to the powers in charge. It’s not a club. They are not your friends. And you can find this out by walking in without any money. Then see how friendly your ‘greeter’ is.

So, teach your waiters and waitresses to flirt by all means – but you won’t be getting my money. I’ll go somewhere else.

By Andrew Owen